Nibiru

Nibiru, Horsemen, and Things That Go Bump in the Night

 

The Nibiru cataclysm is a supposed disastrous encounter between the Earth and a large planetary object (either a collision or a near-miss) which certain groups believe will take place in the early 21st century. Believers in this doomsday event usually refer to this object as Planet X or Nibiru. The idea that a planet-sized object will collide with or closely pass by Earth in the near future is not supported by any scientific evidence and has been rejected by astronomers and planetary scientists as pseudoscience and an Internet hoax.

Please read that twice, have some coffee, and read it again. If you are still stupid enough to believe the current Nibiru flap send me the password to your bank account, your car, and your address so that I may move in because you are a waste of food and water. I have looked at literally hundreds of supposed pictures of the famous Planet X, all hiding behind the sun, all hazy, and all fake as a three dollar bill. Science refutes it, people on meth laugh about it, and the Dali Lama says it’s got more crap than his herd of goats.

So, what is the obsession with this psychosis? Losers in the world who see no way out want everything to come crashing down so at the very least, for five minutes before the end they can say, “I told you so!” Scott Binsack, of March For America fame is now marching for Nibiru. Got a Nibiru line of underwear to save your butt when the Big Bang comes. Frankly, I thought he had more sense. When he couldn’t convince his chowder headed followers to cough up more money to fund the Trump presidency, he shifted gears and began to fund an impeachment, and when that failed he decided, what the hell, let’s just crash the freaking planet.

What did you expect? In a nation of imbeciles who think that Michael Moore can put Hillary in office why not believe in a planet ten times the size of earth hiding in a Girl Scout’s back pack? The Russians didn’t have to hack our elections, just let Forest Gump vote! We’re Lucky El Chapo didn’t win in a write in ballot. I think this is why my mother told me to never drink blended whiskey. Let’s see, first we legalized marijuana, then came Fagganuptials, and now NIBIRU!

I’m reading the Book or Mormon. No, I really am. Joseph Smith was a genius. He figured out way back in 1830 that the people forming the United States were not a breed apart, striking out across angry seas to forge a new frontier. They were the numbnuts THINKING people wanted to keep away from their daughters. They took one look at the Hunchback of Norte Dame, said, “Scew that!” and put them all on a boat to New Jersey. I only used New Jersey because that’s where Binsack lives, I thought y’all would like that. In short order these people were burning witches. About a hundred years they were burning black people, and now they’re burning weed and gazing at Nibiru. You can’t make this stuff up folks. I’ve never seen Planet X, and I’m a drunk!

You wanna see Nibiru? Get naked. Bring a friend, have her get naked too. Cover each other with sacred coconut oil. Blow a joint. Both of you lie back on the grass, and stare at the sun for, oh, about thirty seconds. Now, close your eyes. You should see a BUNCH of Niburus! Now, send the chick to my house. I just declared myself a God, and I’m taking applications for an Aphrodite. Ahmmmmmmmmm! Ahmmmmmmmmm! Jesus Christ! Oh, sorry Lord. Didn’t mean to bring you into this. At least YOU’RE real!

 

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